As parents, our greatest wish is to see our child flourish, dare, and believe in themselves. But how do you build that much-needed self-confidence? It's not just a matter of praise, but real support to give them the solid foundations they need to face the world, with its successes and small failures. This step-by-step guide is designed to give you concrete and caring tools.
What is self-confidence for a child?
Between the ages of 6 and 12, everything accelerates. Your child is no longer a toddler. They compare themselves to their friends, face more complex lessons at school, and begin to forge their identity. This is precisely the moment when self-confidence takes on its full meaning. It's not arrogance, but a deep sense of knowing they are competent and worthy of love, no matter what.
Concretely, a child who has self-confidence is one who:
- Dare to join the drama club even though he has stage fright.
- Raise your hand in class to give your opinion, without being afraid of being wrong.
- Doesn't break down if he loses at a board game. He grumbles a little, then asks for a rematch!
- Says to yourself "it's difficult, but I can do it" when faced with a math homework assignment.
Conversely, a lack of confidence can manifest itself as crippling shyness, a tendency to give up before even trying, or soundbites like, "I'm useless anyway." The good news? Confidence can be cultivated. It's a muscle that grows stronger every day, with your help.
The powerful link between confidence and optimism
Have you noticed that confident children seem to see life through rose-tinted glasses? This is no coincidence. Confidence and optimism feed off each other.
A very telling study, the Youth & Confidence Barometer 2023, highlighted this link. It revealed that among young people who feel very confident, 87% are also optimistic about their future. It's a true virtuous circle: when a child believes in their own resources, they also have more confidence in others and in what school can offer them. It's the basis of everything.
This graph shows well where most children fall on the confidence scale.
What these numbers tell us is that the majority of children have "average" confidence. This is a tremendous opportunity for us, as parents, to take action and tip the scales in the right direction.
The 3 Pillars of a Child's Self-Confidence
To understand this more clearly, we can break down self-confidence into three main pillars. Think of them like the three legs of a stool: if one is wobbly, the whole balance is fragile.
This table summarizes these key components to help you better target your daily support.
| Pillar | What this means for your child | Concrete example at home |
|---|---|---|
| Emotional security | "I am loved for who I am, not for what I do. I have the right to make mistakes." | Consoling him after a bad grade by saying, "It's just a grade, it doesn't change how proud I am of you." |
| The feeling of competence | "I am capable of doing things, learning, and succeeding. I have talents." | Let him pack his own gym bag, even if it's not perfect. It's his responsibility. |
| Self-assertion | "I have the right to have my own ideas and to express them. My needs matter." | Listen carefully when he explains why he doesn't like spinach, instead of telling him to "eat and shut up." |
By keeping these three pillars in mind, it becomes easier to know where and how to intervene to strengthen your child's inner structure.
A parent's mission is not to build a path without obstacles for their child, but to give them the tools to feel empowered to overcome each obstacle on their own. This is the very essence of confidence.
Your role is that of a guide, a benevolent architect. Every word of encouragement, every small responsibility you entrust to him, and every failure you downplay is an essential building block that you add to the edifice of his self-esteem.
Why is trust essential to its development?
Self-confidence in a child is much more than just superficial assurance. It's the little inner engine that pushes them to move forward, explore, and dare. Think of it as a kind of invisible superpower that helps them transform challenges into learning opportunities and doubts into simple curiosity. This drive has a direct impact on their academic, social, and emotional development.
At school: the engine of learning
A confident child won't hesitate to raise their hand, even if they're not sure they have the right answer. They'll ask questions, work hard on a tricky math problem, and see failure not as a disaster, but rather as useful information for next time. Confidence gives them the courage to try and the perseverance to succeed.
With others: the cement of healthy relationships
Confidence is also the cornerstone of their social life. In the playground, it's what gives them the courage to start a new game, approach a friend they don't know well, or stand up for a friend.
A confident child is better equipped to:
- Express your desires and limits calmly, without shouting or letting yourself be pushed around.
- Establish a healthy framework , by being able to say “no” when a situation makes him uncomfortable.
- Build strong friendships , based on mutual respect and not on the fear of rejection.
It is an essential skill that will serve him throughout his life to build healthy and balanced relationships.
For himself: the shield of emotional well-being
Emotionally, confidence acts as a real shield. It helps your child better understand and manage the sometimes intense flow of their emotions. They learn to put into words what they feel, whether it's the joy of having succeeded, sadness, or frustration after losing a game.
This inner security is all the more important since many children sometimes feel overlooked. A recent study revealed that 25.4% of children and adolescents in France feel they are not listened to by adults at school. This lack of listening can seriously damage their confidence. To better understand the challenges these children face, the findings of this study published by Le Point are very enlightening.
By nurturing their confidence, you're not teaching them to never fall. You're showing them that they have the strength within them to always get back up. This is the greatest gift for them to face life's ups and downs with resilience.
Practical actions: 3 daily gestures that change everything
Your child's confidence is built day by day, through small interactions, words and gestures that may seem trivial, but are actually the foundation of their self-esteem. Here are three concrete actions to incorporate into your daily life.
1. Value effort more than the result (positive reinforcement)
We all have this reflex to congratulate the result: a 20/20, a goal scored in football. But without meaning to, we can send the message that only perfection counts. To fully understand how to build your child's confidence , it is essential to focus on the process.
Try changing the way you compliment a little, being more specific about the effort made:
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Rather than : “You’re so smart!”
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Try : “I noticed you tried several ways to solve this math problem, well done for your perseverance!”
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Rather than : “Your drawing is magnificent.”
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Try : "I love the colors you chose. You were so patient about not going overboard, it's great."
With this approach, your child understands that what really matters is their effort. It's a quality they can control, unlike a talent that would be "innate."
2. Give him missions to make him independent
Giving your child small responsibilities sends a clear and powerful message: "I trust you, I know you can do this." It's a direct injection of confidence that fuels their sense of competence, a pillar of children's self-esteem .
Choose tasks appropriate to his age and abilities.
- For a 6-8 year old child : set the table, put away toys, feed the cat.
- For a 9-12 year old preteen : packing their own gym bag, helping you follow a recipe from A to Z, being responsible for watering the plants.
The trick is to guide them without doing it for them. If the gym bag is poorly packed, instead of redoing it yourself, ask them, "Are you sure you have everything you need for training?" Every oversight then becomes a learning opportunity for next time.
3. Establish a journaling ritual to document your progress
Children often don't realize their own progress. The simple act of writing or drawing can be a great way to document their achievements and build their child confidence . This is where tools like the My Book Story journal can make a real difference.
This notebook is much more than just a notebook. It's designed to guide your child in a positive way. Each day, simple questions invite them to identify their small victories: "What are you proud of today?" or "What was your happy moment?"
The tracking and rewards system built into the journal allows him to see his accomplishments in a very concrete way. And then, what a joy for him to reread his own words a few weeks later! It's a powerful reminder of his abilities and his growth. Introspection then becomes visible proof of his own worth, a personal treasure that he builds himself and that nourishes his confidence over the long term.
Create a secure family cocoon
A child's confidence doesn't magically grow on its own. It needs fertile ground to take root, and that ground is the family cocoon you build around them. It's in this safe space, where they feel deeply loved for who they are, that they can truly flourish.
The outside world can sometimes seem harsh and suspicious. That's why the home should be a true refuge, a haven of peace. Family rituals, even the simplest ones, are incredibly powerful for this. They create stable reference points and a sense of belonging that are enormously reassuring.
Establish rituals that strengthen bonds
There's no need to organize big, complicated events. The most effective rituals are often those small, shared, predictable moments that anchor your child in a loving, everyday routine.
Here are some simple ideas to implement:
- Screen-free dinner: a precious moment where everyone can share a good moment from their day.
- The special outing of the month: an activity chosen in turn by each member of the family.
- A “quiet time” on the weekend: devoted to an activity that everyone enjoys, such as a board game, reading, or a little gardening together.
These small habits build strong bonds and create a true family culture. They send a clear and reassuring message to your child: "You belong with us, and what you experience and feel is important to us." By drawing on this security, they will find the impetus to boldly explore the outside world.
A refuge from the surrounding mistrust
Our children are like sponges and absorb the surrounding social climate. A recent analysis revealed that in France, general trust in strangers is quite low, with a score of only 4.3 out of 10. This distrust, which is even stronger among young people, can, without us realizing it, put a brake on the development of self-confidence. You can find more details in this INSEE analysis .
Your home should be the antidote to this mistrust, a place where trust is the norm. It's where your child recharges their emotional batteries, feels understood, and safe enough to dare to be their full selves.
By cultivating a family environment where listening, support, and unconditional love are present, you are giving him the best gift possible. You are laying the groundwork for his self-confidence (his child confidence ) to grow and flourish. It is this solid refuge that will give him the strength and confidence to face life's challenges, both big and small.
My Book Story: The tool to help your child see their worth
Words and gestures of comfort are important, that's for sure. But for a child between the ages of 6 and 12 , sometimes it takes something concrete to truly make them realize their worth. This is where drawing and writing become incredible allies. They allow you to transform fleeting pride into tangible proof.
A simple notebook can do the trick, of course. But a guided tool like the My Book Story notebook goes even further. It transforms this little evening ritual into a real engine for the child's confidence . The idea isn't just to "fill pages," but to embark on a personal adventure where each small step is validated and celebrated.
Turning Successes into Real Memories
Every day, your child has a multitude of small experiences, some good and some bad. The problem is that their brain tends to remember things that went wrong more easily. My Book Story helps reverse this trend. Through simple, positive questions, they learn to focus on their strengths.
It's not a blank page that can sometimes be scary. On the contrary, the notebook offers a reassuring framework to help your child:
- Find your small victory of the day. The question "What are you most proud of today?" encourages you to actively seek out success, even a small one.
- Putting words to what he feels. By describing his emotions, he learns to know himself better and to accept what he is experiencing.
- Let your creativity run wild. The right-hand page is a space of total freedom to draw or write, which nourishes your sense of autonomy.
The simple act of writing or drawing an accomplishment has a powerful effect: it anchors it in memory. What was once just a thought becomes concrete proof of one's skill.
My Book Story isn't just a diary; it's a companion. It teaches your child to observe their own strengths, transforming introspection into a positive habit that sustainably builds their self-esteem.
Concrete monitoring to see your own progress
One of the biggest challenges in helping your child build confidence is making them see how far they've come. Children live in the moment and quickly forget their past successes.
That's why the tracking and rewards system built into My Book Story is so clever. As the pages fill up, children literally see their efforts add up. It's no longer a vague impression; it's a visible, black-and-white progression.
A few weeks later, rereading his own writing becomes a magical moment. He rediscovers that time he aced a math test, helped a friend in the playground, or overcame his fear before the school play.
This little notebook becomes his personal treasure. It's a source of motivation he can draw on whenever he doubts himself. It's no longer you telling him he's capable; he reads it, in his own words. And that changes everything for his sense of self-worth.
We answer your questions as parents
As a parent, we ask ourselves a thousand questions. It's normal. Sometimes we doubt ourselves, we wonder if we're doing the right thing, especially when faced with a child who seems to lack self-confidence. Let's be honest: knowing how to help them on a daily basis isn't innate. So, to help you see things more clearly, here are concrete answers to your most frequently asked questions.
My child is constantly comparing himself to others, how should I respond?
"Lucas runs faster than me," "Chloé draws better"... This comparison phase is almost obligatory between the ages of 6 and 12. The trap would be to brush off his remark with a "But no, that's not true!" The first thing to do is to acknowledge his emotion: "Oh yes, I see. It makes you sad not to be the fastest, is that it?"
Right after, the idea is to gently help them change their perspective. We're not trying to deny the other person's talent, but to highlight their own progress. For example: "It's true that Lucas is a champion runner. But do you remember, a month ago, you were struggling to finish the lap of the park? Look at how far you've come since then!" You're teaching them to measure their worth by their own efforts, not by those of others.
He gives up at the slightest difficulty, what should he do?
The urge to give up when the going gets tough is a classic sign of low confidence. The child sees an insurmountable mountain. Your mission? Show him that this mountain is actually a series of small hills.
Let's take the example of a 500- piece puzzle that seems impossible to him. The goal isn't to "finish the puzzle," which can be paralyzing. The goal becomes: "What if we first looked for all the pieces of the outline?" It's much more accessible.
Celebrate every small success. Every piece of the outline found is a victory. It teaches him a vital lesson for his self-esteem : perseverance isn't a superpower, but just a series of small steps. Every step counts.
Your role isn't to remove the stones from his path, but to show him how to step over them one by one. You're giving him the keys to trusting himself when facing obstacles.
Can you give too many compliments?
Yes, absolutely, if the praise is vague or misdirected. Phrases like "You're the best" or "You're a genius" can, paradoxically, do damage. They create enormous pressure to be perfect and a panic fear of failure. The child may end up believing that they are only valuable if they succeed brilliantly.
The key is compliments that describe what you see, emphasizing the process.
- Instead of saying, “Great, you got a good grade!”
- Instead, try: "I saw how hard you studied for that test. Your focus really paid off!"
This way, you value what he can truly control: his efforts, his method, his tenacity. It's a much healthier and more solid way to nurture his confidence.
How can I help my child, who is very shy, to be a little more daring?
Pushing a shy child into a group activity is often the worst thing you can do. The risk? Increasing their anxiety and making them believe there's something wrong with them. The approach should be gradual, like entering cold water.
Start with simple situations, with almost no stakes.
- Invite just one friend home, into their environment.
- Ask him to order the bread from the bakery, staying right next to him.
- Encourage him to ask his grandmother a question on the phone.
Every small, successful initiative is a victory. It's another brick in the wall of social trust, which is built little by little.
Give your child a wonderful tool to see their progress in black and white and realize their self-worth. The My Book Story notebook is specially designed to help them discover their strengths, transforming this inner journey into a fun and positive adventure.
Discover the My Book Story notebook and help your child build their confidence today .