To help your child improve their self-esteem , the idea isn't to shower them with compliments all the time. The real goal is to support them so they learn to look at themselves fairly and kindly. In concrete terms, this means valuing their efforts, welcoming their emotions without judgment, and providing them with a family environment where they feel safe and loved for who they are.
Self-esteem between 6 and 12 years old: a fragile balance
The period from 6 to 12 years old is truly a turning point in your child's development. This is the age when the outside world takes on a considerable role. School, for example, is no longer just a place of learning; it becomes the stage for their social life. This is where comparisons with friends, the first strong friendships, and group play begin to shape their self-image.
This stage is full of challenges, both big and small, that can shake their confidence. The unconditional love of their parents is no longer always enough. From now on, the opinions of their friends, their grades at school, or their success in soccer or art class become mirrors in which they seek to recognize themselves.
Spotting the Signs of Low Self-Esteem in Your Child
So, how do you know if your child lacks self-confidence? Certain signs, sometimes subtle, can put you on the right track. A little observation is often enough to understand what's going on inside.
Here are some behaviors that should catch your attention:
- He often puts himself down: You hear him say things like "I'm useless" or "I'll never be able to do it anyway," even for a small difficulty.
- He gives up too quickly: Faced with a difficult assignment or a new activity, he gives up at the first obstacle, as if paralyzed by the fear of failure.
- He is very sensitive to criticism: The slightest remark, even constructive, is experienced as a personal attack. This can trigger tears or great anger.
- He has trouble receiving compliments: If you congratulate him, he will tend to minimize his achievement with "Oh, that was easy" or "Anyone could have done it."
Identifying these signs isn't about labeling him. It's simply the first step in providing him with the parental support he truly needs.
The crucial role of the family: the home port
Even though friends and school become more important, you, as a parent, remain their pillar of strength. Home should be that safe place, that cocoon where they can retreat and recharge their batteries, away from social pressure. It's there that they instill the idea that their worth isn't measured by their performance.
Self-esteem isn't fueled by success alone. It grows primarily through the feeling of being loved for who you are, with your strengths and weaknesses. Your unconditional love is the best breeding ground for self-confidence.
It's not just a feeling. Studies confirm it. For example, a study of 7,000 young people showed that low self-esteem in childhood is often linked to greater social isolation later in life. This clearly shows how essential it is to act early, within the family, to build solid foundations before adolescence. For those who want to delve deeper, you can consult the full study on strengthening self-esteem.
By better understanding what is at stake for him at this age, you will be better able to offer him authentic and effective support to help him improve his self-esteem in the long term.
Building a home where trust can flourish every day
Much more than a roof over your head, your home is your child's home base. It's where they can finally let their guard down and simply be themselves. For their self-esteem to truly grow, this environment must be a true cocoon, a safe place where their emotions are welcomed without judgment.
The real challenge, as a parent, is to establish a dialogue that gives them permission to be vulnerable. We often have the reflex to want to reassure at all costs. But phrases that seem harmless to us, like "Don't worry" or "It's nothing," can actually minimize what they feel.
Unintentionally, we're sending him the message that his emotion isn't legitimate. Eventually, he risks doubting his own feelings and keeping his anxieties to himself. And that's the best way to undermine his confidence.
Establish communication that validates, not judges
The key is simple: acknowledge your child's emotion before even thinking about a solution. Replacing a cliché with genuine listening changes everything.
Let's take a concrete example: your child loses his favorite toy.
- Instead of saying, "Stop crying about it, we'll buy another one."
- Instead, try: "I see you're very sad. It's normal to feel this way when you lose something that matters to you."
This little reframing shows your child that their feelings are valid and that you are there to listen, not judge. You become their ally in navigating their emotional storms.
Unconditional love doesn't mean agreeing with everything he does, but it does mean accepting everything he feels. It means making him understand that his worth doesn't depend on his successes or his good mood.
This support is absolutely essential. We now know that a lack of confidence can leave lasting scars. A survey in France revealed that around 19% of adults surveyed have a poor self-image, a feeling often linked to stress. Nurturing this self-esteem from a young age provides essential training for adult life. If you'd like to delve deeper into the subject, you can find out more about restoring self-esteem .
Create small family rituals that feel good
Rituals are powerful anchors that reinforce a sense of belonging and security. No need for extensive preparation; the simplest ideas are often the best for family well-being.
Here are some ideas to explore with your children:
- Pride time. At dinner, everyone shares a small thing that made them proud today. It might be helping a friend, completing a difficult assignment at school, or even daring to ask a question in class.
- The success jar. Take a simple glass jar and place it in plain sight. Whenever a family member is proud of something, they write it down on a piece of paper and slip it inside. On days when you're feeling down, pick a few out and reread them together. It's a real morale booster!
These small habits teach your child to recognize and appreciate their own successes, even the smallest ones. They shift the focus from performance to recognizing effort and progress. This is how you gradually build strong, lasting self-esteem.
Value effort more than perfection
Teaching your child that their worth isn't measured by their successes, but by their perseverance is one of the greatest gifts you can give them. It's a crucial shift in perspective that can help boost their self-esteem and give them the strength to face life's challenges.
As parents, we often have the reflex to compliment the final result or a talent that seems innate to us. Saying "You're so smart" or "You're a champion at drawing" can, without us realizing it, create enormous pressure. The child then risks linking their self-worth to their performance and developing a panic fear of failure. After all, if failing means no longer being "smart" or "gifted," why take the risk?
Changing the way we compliment
The trick is to shift the focus from outcome to process. It's about noticing and naming the efforts, the strategies your child has tried, and their tenacity. This helps them cultivate a "growth mindset"—the belief that their abilities can grow with work.
Concretely, here's how to transform your compliments so that they build his confidence in the long term:
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Instead of saying, “You got a great grade, you’re really good at math!”
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Instead, try: "I saw you spent a lot of time doing your exercises this week. Your efforts really paid off, well done!"
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Instead of saying, “This drawing is beautiful, you are a true artist!”
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Favorite: "I love how you mixed the colors to make the sky. You were really creative in your choices."
This simple adjustment in your vocabulary teaches him that the important thing isn't to be perfect, but to be involved and progress. He then understands that failure isn't an end in itself, but just a normal part of learning.
To help you understand the difference, this table summarizes the impact of both types of praise on your child's development.
Impact of compliments on children's self-esteem
| Type of compliment | Example for a child | Impact on self-esteem | Underlying message for the child |
|---|---|---|---|
| Focused on the person | “You’re so smart!” » | Creates performance pressure; the child's worth is linked to success. | “You have a gift. If you fail, it’s because you no longer have it.” |
| Focused on the process | “I saw all the effort you put into this project.” | Encourages perseverance and resilience; the value is in the effort. | “Hard work and strategy are more important than talent. You can improve.” |
We clearly see that compliments on the process are a much more powerful lever for building solid and lasting self-confidence.
The most important thing is not the summit of the mountain, but the courageous steps taken to reach it. Every effort, even if it does not lead to immediate victory, is a success in itself.
This approach is particularly valuable for turning disappointment into a learning opportunity.
Turning a Disappointment into a Life Lesson
Let's imagine a classic scenario: your child has studied hard for a test and still gets a bad grade. Their first reaction is disappointment, maybe even anger: "I failed everything, I'm useless!"
Your reaction at this point is crucial. Instead of minimizing their pain ("It's not that bad") or criticizing the teacher, support them in constructive reflection.
You could say, "I understand your disappointment. It's really frustrating to work hard and not get the results you hoped for. What if we looked at what went wrong together and did something differently next time?"
This approach shows him that you value his investment, regardless of the outcome. You detach his self-worth from his grades and, most importantly, you give him the tools to analyze his mistakes without feeling defined by them. This is a crucial skill for building rock-solid self-confidence.
This calming image reminds us that building confidence is a quiet, daily process. Journaling and reflecting on one's own efforts, as My Book Story suggests, are powerful rituals for anchoring this positive mindset.
Making your child independent through responsibilities tailored to their needs
Giving your child a small mission isn't just asking for a favor. It's sending a much deeper message: "I trust you, I know you can do it." Every responsibility they take on is a small victory that reinforces their self-confidence.
The goal isn't to turn him into a mini-adult with a never-ending list of chores. The idea is rather to invite him to actively participate in the life of the house , to give him a role that has meaning for him and for the family. It is this feeling of being useful and competent that nourishes his inner conviction: "I am capable."
Give him assignments, not chores.
The nuance may seem subtle, but it makes all the difference. A "chore" is a task that we perform, often reluctantly. A "mission" or a "responsibility" implies a sense of pride and involvement. Instead of calling it "Take out the trash!", why not name it "Recycling Manager" for the week?
This simple turn of phrase completely transforms his perception. He is no longer passively obeying; he is carrying out a mission entrusted to him. This is a very gentle way to help him improve his self-esteem .
Here are some mission ideas that can evolve with him:
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Between 6 and 8 years old:
- The head gardener: his mission is to water the plants in the house twice a week.
- The family postman: he is the one who collects the mail from the mailbox.
- The kitchen assistant: he can wash vegetables, mix cake batter or help set the table.
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Between 9 and 12 years old:
- The sports bag pro: he becomes independent in preparing his things for his training.
- The animal sitter: responsible for feeding the cat or walking the dog (under your supervision, of course).
- The breakfast chef: he can take charge of preparing everyone's morning meal on weekends.
These small tasks, when they become valued habits, show him in a very concrete way what he is capable of.
Cultivate the art of making your own choices
Autonomy also means learning to make decisions. Give them as many opportunities as possible to make simple choices in their daily lives. Every decision, even the smallest, reinforces their sense of control over their life. For example: "Which book are we reading together tonight?" or "Would you rather wear your blue sweater or the green one?"
Every choice you offer is a chance for your child to discover what they like and to assert themselves. It's by exercising this decision-making muscle that they learn to trust themselves.
What if he makes a mistake? Your reaction is crucial. If his cake is a disaster or he forgets a notebook for school, avoid blaming him at all costs. Instead, see the mistake as a learning opportunity. Simply ask him, "What could we do differently next time to make it work?" This is how he'll understand that making a mistake isn't a disaster, but just a normal step on the road to success.
Play and creativity are great tools for confidence
For a child, play isn't just a hobby. It's their mother tongue, their most natural way of decoding the world and discovering who they are. Away from screens, creative activities are real superpowers that help them express themselves, manage their emotions, and ultimately, build their self-esteem .
The idea is to offer him a space where he can let loose in complete freedom, without the pressure of having to "succeed" or "do well". The important thing is not the final result, but the pleasure of creating, of imagining and the pride of saying to himself: "I did it!"
Transform a simple notebook into a journal of your successes
A simple notebook can become an extraordinary ally. Suggest that your child turn it into their "superpower journal." It's not a classic diary, but rather a secret garden where they learn to see all the awesomeness within themselves.
Some ideas for bringing it to life together:
- The Pride Page: Every night, he can draw or write down something he accomplished during the day. It could be helping a friend, daring to ask a question in class, or completing a tricky puzzle.
- List of his qualities: Help him put into words what he likes about himself. Is he funny, generous, persevering? The simple act of writing it down anchors these strengths in his mind.
- Drawing your inner hero: Suggest that he imagine himself as a superhero. What would his unique powers be? Let him draw them!
This approach, very close to the philosophy of the journal My Book Story , leads him to take a kind look at himself. He learns to recognize his own value, without waiting for validation from others.
By becoming the hero of their own story, whether on paper or in play, a child doesn't just have fun. They practice believing in themselves and building a positive, strong image of who they are.
Using role play to practice assertiveness
Creativity isn't just about drawing or writing. Role-playing, for example, is a fantastic way to practice social situations that can be a little intimidating.
Let's imagine a real-life scenario: Your child has trouble saying no to their friends. Role-play with them. Play the role of the slightly pushy friend, and let them practice setting boundaries, calmly but firmly. Switch roles, repeat, until they feel more confident.
This kind of play gives him concrete tools to better manage his relationships. He understands that he has the right to express his needs and disagreements, a key skill for healthy self-esteem. It is also a crucial support for all children. A French study showed an interesting trend: while girls have better self-esteem at the beginning of primary school, the trend reverses in CM2. At this age, only 57% of girls say they are very happy with themselves, compared to 62% of boys . To go further, you can consult the details of this study on self-esteem at school .
These moments of play and creation are much more than just activities. They are the building blocks that, one by one, build the solid foundations of his self-confidence.
Your questions, our answers on self-esteem
As a parent, we inevitably ask ourselves a lot of questions. How can I do it right? Am I doing enough? Especially when it comes to a subject as delicate as self-esteem. It can be a blurry subject, because every child is a whole world. To help you see things more clearly, here are some concrete ideas for responding to situations you likely encounter every day.
What if he constantly compares himself to others?
It's an almost inevitable reflex, especially at school, where everything is a pretext for ranking and competition. The real challenge isn't to prevent him from comparing himself, but to help him refocus his attention on himself, on his own path.
Your role? Encourage him to look at his personal progress. Instead of measuring himself against his neighbor, he can measure himself against his former self. For example, if he's sulking over a drawing grade, try an approach like, "Remember your drawing from last month? Look at this one now. Have you seen how much better you've gotten at shading? That's what's great about your growth!"
Am I complimenting him too much? Or not enough?
Finding the right balance is the key. Showering a child with praise all day long can drain them of meaning. Conversely, never recognizing their efforts can discourage them. The secret lies not in the quantity, but in the quality of the praise.
Focus on encouragement that emphasizes the process: effort, strategy, perseverance. Rather than a vague "You're the best!", opt for "I was amazed by the patience you had to finish this very complicated puzzle." It's specific, sincere, and it gives them concrete keys to strengthening their self-esteem .
The most effective way to build their confidence isn't to tell them they're perfect. It's to show them that you notice and appreciate all the efforts they're making to grow, even when it's difficult.
How to react when he says "I'm useless"?
These three little words can be like a stab in the back. Our first instinct as parents is often to contradict them: "No, you're not stupid!" However, this risks alienating them and giving them the impression that we don't understand them.
The first step is to acknowledge their emotion without judging it. Instead, try to validate what they're feeling while opening up a dialogue. For example: "I can see you're super disappointed and angry with yourself. That must be hard. What exactly makes you think that?"
This approach changes everything:
- He feels listened to: His frustration is recognized, he is no longer alone with it.
- It helps him put it into words: Identifying the source of the problem is the beginning of the solution.
- We move from a blockage to a fact: "I'm bad" becomes "I didn't succeed in this math exercise," and that's something we can do something about.
Once the pressure has eased, you can help him find new ways forward or simply see this "failure" for what it is: a step toward learning. It is by supporting him through these moments that he will build, step by step, a more accurate and solid image of himself.
The My Book Story journal was designed to be a companion on this adventure. Through fun and caring activities, your child learns to recognize their strengths, be proud of their efforts, and cultivate a confidence that will last a long time. Discover how the My Book Story notebook can become their best ally in everyday life.